Old men and throwing up are my life now.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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