We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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