After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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