I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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