I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
