So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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