you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I can't put those talents on a resume
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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