I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
