Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
