At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
