He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
