is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
