halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
