Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize