My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
