i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize