can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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