This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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