explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
