Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
