You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
