the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
