She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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