Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize