I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
