I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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