im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
