So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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