You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
