Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
