Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
