she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize