Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
