when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
