Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize