remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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