im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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