ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
