it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
