everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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