I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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