The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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