Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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