My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I've blown a few things in my day
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
