if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
