Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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