he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
