I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
