The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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