my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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