i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
