It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
