he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
