you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
