My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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