There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
