This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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