cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
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