Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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