Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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