I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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