He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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