I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize