I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
well you can't waste a boner
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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