Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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