Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
