Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
